I wanted to write about a few songs. But I need to be able to think some things through and I have been feeling too lazy.
Instead of that a short note about a type of dream that I keep having.
But first, you should know that I have severe acrophobia. Those viewing areas in towers with the glass floor, even looking at the pictures of those makes me queasy. It has become less acute as I have grown older, but the fear is still there. I can peep down a stairwell only by gripping the banister, or move towards the edge of the roof only if there is a parapet. However, most banisters and parapet come up to just below where I think my center of gravity is, and I keep imagining myself tipping over like a egg, over the wall.
Twice in my life, I joined a job to find myself shipped off to a corporate training camp run by ex-military personnel. They had this huge rock (I say huge but it was probably just about 10 meters tall) and we had to rappel down its side. Didn’t enjoy it one bit.
And I have claustrophobia. Well, not true claustrophobia, because phobias are irrational and there irrational about being afraid of being trapped. I mean I don’t find being in an enclosed place scary in and of itself (though I haven’t been in one in ages). It is just that I worry I might have a tough time wriggling out of spaces into which I have wriggled into. When I watch people who are spelunking wriggling into a tiny hole that they can’t imagine them wriggling out of, it nearly induces a panic attack.
But back when my age was in single digits, I liked climbing. There were trees right next to our house, and climbing the trees would get me to the horizontal wall extension that the house had right below the ventilators (no idea why, but were common; look at the one here for example). And climbing up the windows (windows had these horizontal bars) would let me climb up to the top of the almirahs and closets.
And I liked enclosed spaces. My favourite place to hide was under the bed. I would take my books and hide there. My second most favourite place to hide was in the closet. It was more comfortable, but I couldn’t read in there. There is a story from my childhood, where a person who had saved my father from drowning as a child, saved me when I hid in a tin storage trunk and accidentally locked myself in it.
Anyway, I outgrew those childish interest and no longer could fit my body in the gap between the bed and the floor. I replaced those with my rational fear of dying horribly. Anyway, it is not as bad as it was in my teens. I regularly dream of picking up mountaineering. Seeing pictures of mountains inspires me, though I haven’t yet tested whether the inspiration will survive the first brush with an actual mountain – with precipices and other dangerous features.
And I dream of living in a small house. One of my favourite channels on youtube is about small houses, and I like the idea of sleeping in a place that is one tiny flight up from the living area, with just about enough headroom so that my head doesn’t hit the roof when I sit.
(aside: I use autos for the ride to work regularly, for reasons too complicated to explain. Anyway, a lot of those autos have extra cushion in the seats – a great idea in theory. Unfortunately, the cushioning means that the headroom is just that bit lesser. The design of autos is such that they have crappy suspension and one of the structural support passes right over the passenger seat. And the the design of the Indian roads is such that many times during each journey I’d be magically transported upwards where the head can meet the structural support.)
Now, my dream. Or dreams. I regularly have dreams in the morning where I am in a cubby hole of sorts. There is no room to stand up. Even with me sitting down I have to keep my head bent forward. I am in a modern building. There is enough light. I can clearly see the exit. There is no immediate floor outside the exits. I know that this place is somewhere at least a few floors up in the building. If I were careless while getting out, I’d fall a long way down.
The only way out is through the exit, where I have to reorient myself in interesting ways to reach a ladder embedded into the wall. However, I am calm. I do not panic. I know that what I need to do is slightly difficult, but I am quietly confident about my ability to do it.
So, that is it. That is what I wanted to write about today. Sometimes this sequence is just one scene in the Lord of the Rings length epic that is my dream. At other times, like today morning, it is the entirety of dream as I remember it when I wake up.